Tuesday, November 30, 2004
would you like some dysfunction with that?
this thanksgiving i returned home for the perfunctory family dinner. traditionalists serve their main course with a side of mashed potatoes, but FamilyInsane serves up a side of crazy alongside the turkey (which i don't eat) for a change of pace. (don't anyone dare call us mainstream!)
pre-thanksgiving: my mother calls my uncle and orders him and my aunt (whom she dislikes intensely, to put it lightly) to bring over a dish or two for thanksgiving, as dinner's ostensibly going to be a group effort this year. no problem, but he'll have to consult with my aunt re what to bring, he answers. ok, says my mother, but it's imperative you let us know what you're bringing so we don't duplicate our efforts. make note of the clause in italics--there's gonna be a quiz later.
thanksgiving: *ding* dinner is served! as my uncle and aunt are putting their salad on the table, my mother whips out her salad. yeah, i'm with you on the "wha?" EvilAunt is understandably confused. my mother feigns ignorance or something (to be honest, i'm not sure what she said, if anything, because my head was already beginning to spin at this point). IncrediblyPatientAunt (aka "auntie" or "the good one") helpfully suggests that we save my mother's salad to eat later in the week, puts the lid back on it, and sets it aside. as soon as she does this, in an act i would label hysterical if it weren't so bizzarely psychotic, my mother grabs her salad, unclasps the lid, and smacks it down on the table, loudly proclaiming, "we can have both salads!" sorry i can't appease you, mom, but 10 pounds of salad is my absolute limit, and forgive me if i would rather not eat while subjected to the stress of your watchful eye, which would be busy darting back and forth, counting the number of times i grabbed from each salad bowl.
why does my mother feel the need to compete over salad? is it just me, or is that incredibly petty and ridiculous? pop quiz! was she really unaware that they planned to bring salad? you don't have any of us fooled, so you might as well just admit you're a passive-aggressive lunatic who will use any opportunity and any medium (lettuce?) to make a point (that you're crazy? because that's all i'm taking away from this incident).
if she doesn't start taking medication soon, i will.
this thanksgiving i returned home for the perfunctory family dinner. traditionalists serve their main course with a side of mashed potatoes, but FamilyInsane serves up a side of crazy alongside the turkey (which i don't eat) for a change of pace. (don't anyone dare call us mainstream!)
pre-thanksgiving: my mother calls my uncle and orders him and my aunt (whom she dislikes intensely, to put it lightly) to bring over a dish or two for thanksgiving, as dinner's ostensibly going to be a group effort this year. no problem, but he'll have to consult with my aunt re what to bring, he answers. ok, says my mother, but it's imperative you let us know what you're bringing so we don't duplicate our efforts. make note of the clause in italics--there's gonna be a quiz later.
thanksgiving: *ding* dinner is served! as my uncle and aunt are putting their salad on the table, my mother whips out her salad. yeah, i'm with you on the "wha?" EvilAunt is understandably confused. my mother feigns ignorance or something (to be honest, i'm not sure what she said, if anything, because my head was already beginning to spin at this point). IncrediblyPatientAunt (aka "auntie" or "the good one") helpfully suggests that we save my mother's salad to eat later in the week, puts the lid back on it, and sets it aside. as soon as she does this, in an act i would label hysterical if it weren't so bizzarely psychotic, my mother grabs her salad, unclasps the lid, and smacks it down on the table, loudly proclaiming, "we can have both salads!" sorry i can't appease you, mom, but 10 pounds of salad is my absolute limit, and forgive me if i would rather not eat while subjected to the stress of your watchful eye, which would be busy darting back and forth, counting the number of times i grabbed from each salad bowl.
why does my mother feel the need to compete over salad? is it just me, or is that incredibly petty and ridiculous? pop quiz! was she really unaware that they planned to bring salad? you don't have any of us fooled, so you might as well just admit you're a passive-aggressive lunatic who will use any opportunity and any medium (lettuce?) to make a point (that you're crazy? because that's all i'm taking away from this incident).
if she doesn't start taking medication soon, i will.
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